Working The Twelve Steps For Soapaholics
I should have known there was a problem when I feigned a head cold to stay home from high school for two days in order to watch John Black dance with his terminally ill bride Isabella one last time on Days of Our Lives, or when the guy in the dorm room across from me during my senior year of college asked me in the cafeteria one day, "Dude, who is that chick you're always screaming at?"
"Huh?" I drawled, mouth hanging agape, we Southerners tend to do that when perplexed.
"At 2 in the morning, you are always yelling at some girl in your room and calling her a bitch!"
I was too embarassed to tell him the girl in question was Annie Douglas from Sunset Beach, which I stayed up to watch after our local NBC affiliate moved it's daily airing to the butt crack of dawn.
They say admitting you have a problem is the first step. My name is Jamey Giddens, and I'm a soapaholic.
Being a soapaholic these days is akin to being an alcoholic during Prohibition. Good soaps are illegal in these parts. Were it not for a couple of brazen bootleggers with surnames like Carlivati, Sheffer, Rao and Bell (Arena-Bell that is), why a soap drunk might just stay on the wagon indefinitely! Maybe that's a good thing??? Back to the aforementioned college days, had good soaps been as hard to come by then, perhaps I would have spent more time learning the inverted pyramid, as opposed to memorizing Vicky's last conversation with Marley on Another World? I guess, much like whatever happened with Grant and Cindy Harrison on the isle of Tanquir, we'll never know the answer to that question.
In an attempt to regain some sense of balance in these trying times for soaps, and for those of us who are still somehow addicted to them, despite most soaps having descended from Cristal to cheap, convenience store Ripple, I've decided to borrow from the time-tested 12 Steps method from Alcoholics Anonymous in order to help myself and others find clarity, peace, serenity.
I hope you know,
I hope you KNOW,
that this has nothing to with you....
Oh, sorry, I broke into some Fergalicious there for a moment! So anyway, without further poo-poo, I bring you the 12 Steps of Soapaholics Anonymous.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction to soap operas, a lot of us, to bad soap operas. I mean really, really, bad soap operas, Ken Corday, Chris Goutman, Ellen Wheeler, Dena Higley bad soap operas, and that our lives have become unmanageable.
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Some like to call that Power God, or Jehovah, or Budda, or Oprah, but I call them Ron and Frank and Lisa and Sri and Maria and Hogan and Scott and Paul and Andrew and Karen and Tom and Thom and Chris and Sara. I'm a polytheist, judge not, lest ye be judged.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the Soap Gods (the good and benevolent ones mentioned in Step 2, and away from the petty, cruel ones referenced in Step 1), as we understood God to be.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our DVR and Tivos.
Step 5: Admitted to the Soap Gods (via spamming their inboxs and network call lines, and even sending them trinkets based on our specific adored, disenfranchised couples. Guza did you get my rattle for little Jake?), to ourselves and to everyone on every soap opera message board and site from Daytime Confidential to Soap Central, to Daytime Royalty and back again, the exact nature of how every specific soap writer, producer and actor has specifically wronged us as fans.
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have the Soap Gods give us the courage to remove all defective soaps from our said DVRs and Tivos.
Step 7: Humbly asked the Soap Gods to remove our shortcomings, and a few of the actors on our soaps who we can't stand (One Erin Sanders can spoil the barrel!).
Step 8: Made a list of all the persons we had harmed when we forgot that these characters don't really exist and attack other real life human beings like pitbulls in Michael Vick's backyard.
Step 9: Made direct ammends to all such people wherever possible by means of E-cards featuring half naked soap stars and starlets, or naming our first born children after the favorite soap characters of those we've wrong, even if we loathe them ( Sigh, I guess I will be naming my daughter Sam McCall).
Step 10: Continued to take a personal inventory of our DVR and Tivos in order to keep bad, bad, really bad, like awful soap operas from making us half-crazed, grouchy, incontinent, asexual, impotent people who go to Vegas to see Celine Dion. People who for no reason at all fly into blind rages at our grocery stores, yelling at the clerk, "Damn you Brian Frons, you will put my couple back together IMMEDIATELY! you dirty, SOB" before being escorted out of the facility by a teenage rent-a-cop.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and mediation— over shows like The Young and the Restless, One Life to Live, Imaginary Bitches, General Hospital: Night Shift (If it comes back and if Sri Rao is at the helm!) and Life in General— to improve our conscious contact with the Soap Gods, praying only for good Soap Gods to find/keep employment and for bad, wicked Soap Gods who speak of 3-day-a-week formats to be magicallly stricken with a desire to leave their posts and learn how to give colon exams. They've been shoveling poop this long, why not get paid for what they do best?
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other soapaholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Remember the first step is the deepest. No, that's the first cut? What is it? Oh yeah, one day at a time! VOTE WITH YOUR REMOTE 2009!
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Comments
2 January 2008
17 weeks 11 hours
Jamey i have to say sunset beach was a great soap in some ways it reminded me of santa barbara.My favorite rivalry was between annie and olivia
10 December 2008
1 year 42 weeks
Jamey that was a really good post.
I have voted with my remote and turned off alot of shows this past week, while it has been really (and I mean REALLY) hard and kinda painful I have found my self enjoying the time more, yea part of me is wondering how Kendall is doing since she woke up with her older brothers heart stuck in her and knowing that her sister had her husbands baby, but just rereading that sentence reminds me why i tuned out.
These shows need to improve, and due to time, and other things i have voted with my remote, no more Molly B 5 days a week for me.
No I won't watch that garbage anymore, I am going to tune in and relax while watching Home and Away, Neighbours and EastEnders and enjoying the finer things in life. You know where veterans are treated with respect and not just kinda giving a sendoff without the actual sending off.
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A.K.A. ssjohn
22 January 2008
6 hours 25 min
yea part of me is wondering how Kendall is doing since she woke up with her older brothers heart stuck in her and knowing that her sister had her husbands baby.
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ROTFLMAO, Just SEEING this passage in print sincerely makes me question the career aspirations I've had over the past 25 odd years of my life. Oh well, some want to cure cancer, I wanted to cure soaps.
We did our best,
But I guess our best isn't good enough,
'Cause here we are with another soap on cancellation's door,
Seems nothing ever changes,
Good soaps have become like strangers,
While fans are wondering if we oughta stay,
Or head on out the door,
Just once,
Can they figure out what they keep doing wrong?
Why the ratings never hold for very long,
What are they doing wrong?
Just once,
Can they find a way to finally make it right?
Make the magic last for more than just one Sweeps,
If they could just get to it,
I know we could break through it JUUUUST OOOONCE!
10 May 2008
14 hours 5 min
Great post, Jamey! I'm watching OLTL, gave up GH when they broke up Liason, and the complete waste of veteran actors, too much violence! I've seen 5 minutes of B&B in the last 2 years.
10 July 2008
1 year 31 weeks
Great post Jamie. I have turned off BB, GH (watching until the "crisis" is over), AMC(its heading towards GL problems), OLTL(Can't stand the thougt of Todd getting off of rape/attempting kidnapping).
GL/OLTL/ATWT/Y&R Fan!!!!!!!!!
14 November 2007
3 years 1 week
I'm sorry, I can't relate to any of this. I'm not a Soapaholic. I can quit anytime I want to. I'm not in denial! I'm Not An Addict!!!
(Daisy, clutching her homemade Sam McCall Barbie doll to her chest, runs out of the room crying...)
11 December 2007
6 weeks 2 days
Jaime. I have to say we must have been twins in a former life. I have been called the soapaholic in my family. I juggled at one time in 1993 Every soap on the air with the help of three VCRs. But crap has really deflated my addiction so I'm on a 5 soap drip as of Monday. Y&R, B&B, OLTL, GL(starting Monday) and an English show Coronation Street.
20 June 2008
44 weeks 4 days
Oh, Jamey, I think I want to have your baby.
On a more serious note, you do realize that, if you would ever name your daughter Sam McCall, you'd end up drowning her in a bathtub, don't you?
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Thanks to tinyyuan for the icon!
26 November 2008
7 weeks 3 days
I guess I'm not as strong as other people because I've taken shows of my Tivo only to add them back a few weeks later. I'm addicted, but at least I know I have a problem!
I am taking the first step and following Jonathan's lead and am turning off AMC. I think this show has driven me crazier than all the rest. It's hard to watch characters you love being completely ruined **cough**Bianca**cough** just for an agenda.
I had turned off GL for a few months, but then I heard it got better so I added it back (I know I'm very weak). I have the most history with this show, so this is the hardest for me. I am going to continue to watch because I want to see Phillip's return. At least I'm not fast fowarding as much as I used to. I told you I was weak!
I will admit I still watch GH, but I was never a fan of Liason so to see them end (IMO they were never really together) wasn't a huge deal to me. Actually I love Elizabeth, but not Jason. Don't worry Liason fans, I don't like Jasam either. It's really Spixie that keeps me tuning in. This "event" isn't truly exciting like the Metrocourt was, but I'm giving it a try.
At least I still have my Y&R! Jamey, yes Annie Douglas was a bitch, but she was one of the best bitches ever! And I am not ashamed to admit that I loved Sunset Beach...yeah I said it! That's where my obsession with Eddie Cibrian started!
23 July 2008
13 weeks 2 days
I'm all for making peace but I'll be darned if I'm going to name my baby Arabella and call her baby doll!
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Pushing Daisies - You will always be in my heart!
22 January 2008
6 hours 25 min
Eye-wink
On a more serious note, you do realize that, if you would ever name your daughter Sam McCall, you'd end up drowning her in a bathtub, don't you?
***
Well, I guess if I was experiencing that there Post-Departing Oppression I would!
22 January 2008
6 hours 25 min
'm sorry, I can't relate to any of this. I'm not a Soapaholic. I can quit anytime I want to. I'm not in denial! I'm Not An Addict!!! (Daisy, clutching her homemade Sam McCall Barbie doll to her chest, runs out of the room crying...)
(Uh, uh, looks like I gotta go to a meeting!)
***
My Liz Barbie is CUTER than your Sam Barbie could ever DREAM of being, and I will go and find the clip to prove it!
24 March 2008
16 hours 50 min
ROTFL.....love your post Jamey! The first step is admitting you have a problem. I will admit to step 5 & step 10! But I do draw the line at naming any child Spamanella Outbreak McCall!
I have gone cold turkey on GH. Voting with my remote & not tuning in & trusting you & Regan to let me know when/if it is ever safe to go back into the Guza/Frons shark invested waters.
Now, if Sri Rao were at the helm, I definitely would reconsider--HE KNOWS HOW TO TELL A STORY!
22 November 2007
1 year 31 weeks
I'm giving you a standing ovation AND a slow hand clap for using a Jeffrey Osborne song, to express how many a soap opera viewer/fan are feeling right now in this day and age of soap operas.
I just remember how my grandmother would watch CBS Daytime from "The Price is Right" on up to "Guiding Light" and then she would turn to ABC Daytime at 4 pm for "Ryan's Hope" and "The Edge of Night".
I have a VIVID memory of those moments. She would have that night's dinner ready by 12 noon, so that you wouldn't have to miss out on the trials and tribulations of her favorite characters.
22 January 2008
6 hours 25 min
dkellergrl2001, now you know Uncle Jamey loves you, but it's James Ingram, not Jeffrey Osborne! LOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmwIT78Rq2A
20 June 2008
1 year 5 weeks
This post sums up my current life.
____________
aka Peter
Turn on the LIGHT!
14 November 2007
3 years 1 week
Jamey: Ha! My Sam doll comes with the cutest little pink gun, tank tops in assorted colors, and a hot tub! (crotch crickets sold separately)
Equarter: I'm going to start watching Coronation Street this weekend (I'm going to start with this past week's eps.) I'm pretty excited
22 January 2008
6 hours 25 min
Jamey: Ha! My Sam doll comes with the cutest little pink gun, tank tops in assorted colors, and a hot tub! (crotch crickets sold separately)
***
Well my Liz doll comes with her own ready made litter! LOL See, we can both poke fun at our beloveds! Ha ha
16 August 2007
20 hours 35 min
who cares about the accessories, what's really important is who gets the Corvette. lol
22 January 2008
6 hours 25 min
Cars are poor investments, Liz and I want the Malibu Dream House Luke!
5 November 2007
12 hours 37 min
I remember the days of scheduling my life, classes, and jobs around GL.
28 March 2008
4 weeks 2 days
Ah, skipping school - I mean, coincidently being sick and having to stay home to watch John's last dance with IzzyB and balling my eyes out - the good old Days.
This soapaholic is doing her best to vote with her remote to save her sanity - but I had a relapse this week and re-added ATWT to the dvr thanks to Carly and Criag and I watched Sami give birth on Days. Damn, why can't I just stay away. I think I need someone to just steal my dvr and save me from myself -lol!
14 December 2008
19 hours 23 min
Oh my God, Jamey. Thank so much dor the only laugh I've had all day.
1 January 2008
4 years 3 days
JMAEY!! I have been voting with my remote already. I watch 4 soaps a week. That's all I have time for. 2 of them are set in stone no matter what (Y&R and B&B - which I have watched since the day it premiered in March/April 1987 and have watched both shows through their greatest times and their worst because I love those characters very much and at their worst, these 2 are not nearly as bad as most crap being aired as soap opera today) and one slot, OLTL, is pretty much permanent since last year when I had to drop GL because I just could not take it. My 4th slot is pretty much open and I have given most of it's time to GH and/or DOOL depending on how bad each one is. So, I stopped watching GH immediately after Robin & Patrick's beautiful wedding and moved to DOOL for John & Marlena's exit story, which we all know how that pathetic mess turned out. And the promos for this wannabe-"24" BS of a story arc quarantining characters in the hospital with a fire, bio-toxins, dying people and forced reactions and interactions is not what soap oera is to me. That is something else. The count down thing is tired and I this is just purely stunt-driven, plot-drivel that does nothing to positively add to the show's legacy, which is being destroyed by a trio of power-mad, genre-hating people. Guza is obviously bitter he is not ont he writing team of "24", "Lost" or some prime-time crazy drama series, Phelps is a production idiot and Frons is not a tv executive. he seems more like an auto executive announcing his need for a gov't bailout. Anyway, with all the great things I am hearing about GL and Philip's return coming, I am voting w/my remote and turning the light back on, hoping for something good to chew on. All the rest of the shows are basically tied for worst a soap has ever been in history, so I have nothing to lose. Love this plan and wanted you to know I am already putting it into action and if GL doesn't do it, hell, maybe i will just cut my soap intake to 3 shows a week. I will not watch a show to help the genre survive if I am not being entertained.
16 August 2007
20 hours 35 min
Hi I'm Luke and I'm a soapaholic
12 May 2008
8 hours 12 min
Hello Y'all! I'm Melodie and I schedule my classes/life around soap operas. I'm a soapaholic and proud of it!
14 November 2007
3 years 1 week
Oh Luke, you've got a site/podcast/forum dedicated to soaps...thereby feeding our addiction. Are you a Soapaholic, or the Ultimate Enabler? LOL
btw, the Sam McCall doll doesn't come with a Corvette, however she does come with a pink salvage boat (not to mention several blank marriage certificates.) Let me know when you're ready to place an order
16 August 2007
20 hours 35 min
Ultimate Enabler.....I like that...question do those Sam McCall dolls come with their own leather jacket and a motorcycle? I'm sure the Elizabeth doll comes with a nurses outfit. I was thinking of buying one of each, putting them in a time capsule and shooting it off into space so that when aliens discover it they can take the Sam vs. Liz debate intergalactic. lol
14 November 2007
3 years 1 week
LMAO!!! That is hilarious Luke!!
29 December 2007
9 hours 46 min
I'm sorry, I can't relate to any of this. I'm not a Soapaholic. I can quit anytime I want to. I'm not in denial! I'm Not An Addict!!!
(Daisy, clutching her homemade Sam McCall Barbie doll to her chest, runs out of the room crying...)
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This was hilarious Daisyclover